i cannot talk to ppl about it..i end up crying at every possible moment..for now sleeping my time away seems to be the possible solution to things..don't ask me to wake up please..not for now..

8:36 PM

     
3 years ago as i stepped into the school with much hesistant as it was a drastic change from the previous environment..i remembered being very certain of what i wanted..to stay in the sch for 2 years and after that transfer to the degree programme at ni*..because of it i made sure i started my advanced dip modules in order to finish it in time to enter nie again at the end of the 2nd year..however, somewhere along the way things started to change and i realise i did not really want a degree in education as it means i would always be stuck in the education line..so halfway the change was made to study at unis** instead..however as i was halfway through my advanced dip modules i did not want it to go into waste and completed it last year finally..

its amazing how hesistant i was about teaching in the sch when i first started and now..i guess it was due to some reshuffling in the system that i was under this person and that person that made me enjoy doing my work..the thought of perhaps changing sch also came up, wanting to find greener pastures..however i stayed behind due to the love of doing my aesthetics work and i guess to some extend the support given by the higher management..

the incident last year clearly resurfaced again..i remember asking my r.o why i didn't get promoted and she explained the number of years in service and various stuff that i thought was logical after thinking about it..for the past few days i was eager and hopefully waiting for that piece of note to be on my table..however on fri that piece of post it failed to land on my table..at that moment again everything came crumbling down..of course i was happy for friends who got it and did not want to dampen their spirits..throughout the whole afternoon the tears did not stop..i somehow felt the same pain i felt 3 years back coming again..it was unfair..many questions were surfacing in which could not be justified..it was already the 3rd year so while all those who got it in their 3rd year, then why didn't i?i don't like to compare with close ones..however as one was complaining just last week about not working hard enough, it led me to feel even more worst..somehow it feels now that in this sch, you do not need to put in any effort and hard work..just the bare minimal you do for the year will get you through n when its the 3rd year you will go up one level

of course i understand my grade scale is different from the majority and the teaching subject may be a non IP subject..and because i know that, extra hours are put in to ensure i do other constructive things like the various different projects thrown my way..my ro keep saying that she is working towards my professional development to ensure that i am heading the right way..but am i?or is she doing anything or just want to have a hold over me?why that promise that was given last year was never fufilled?

some have already said its ok move on and i may get it next year but somehow they don't understand and i dunno how to explain..its not this year or next year getting it..it feels as if all the hard work was not recognised and i did not reap anything i sowed at all..fair?unfair?i'm a competitive person n believe in fairness and equality..if a person works and does not get any recognition then what's the point?another reason why i needed to go up fast is also the fact that the first promotion is usually the fastest..and each promotion will get harder and more number of years..if the first one is going to take so long then when its the next time i will get the 2nd one?10 years?

i have many burning questions for the boss but i don't feel like talking to her cause its no use..all the politically correct answers will be given and the faux concern will be shown..there is no use handling big projects cause as evident from a teacher's response on fri it clearly shows she is higher than me and why does she has to do the project..its difficult to type everything in words but now am i suppose to stay for another year and have that hope again?or to leave and start all over again..complicated issue..i even wonder is the sch holding me back knowing that i will not leave till the first promotion and therefore not giving it to me..

as you can see from above or understand its not very fair..however i also self doubt on whether i did anything wrong in the last year that was so drastic to prevent me from promoting..i want to stay cause i like to plan the various aesthetics things/events..i have great fun doing them and it keeps me from being sane..but with this huge blow honestly, i am feeling super demoralize..it makes me wanna just do the bare minimum for the entire year and not take on anything important or wad..just have to be there to do this n that and thats it..because what's the point..no one would recognise it..i wonder whether my ro even knows what i'm doing in sch..the motivation to carry on doing english is not there anymore..if i had written this yesterday i think there would be more words..

for now i dread going to sch on monday..i dread seeing my ro and the higher management..i dowan to go into class and teach..its like falling into depression and not wanting to do anything about it..the only thing i will be curious to know is why..why this and why that..because for the hope i had throughout the week and the year everything was washed away..and no one can do anything..and if i ask if the sch has what is takes for me to grow and develop myself, the answer would be 'yes..there will be many opportunities for you to grow'......then i will fall into that trick and think that there will and see what happens?get bullied and pushed around here there front back to do this that but not go up..

*this post will be edited a few times as i remember things and add it into this post..special thanks to those who sms, and spoke to me about it..i really can't think now n feel like throwing everything back to take a break..

12:04 AM

     
whats the point..everything will not work out as always again..

1:48 PM

     
tomorrow marks the first day of term 2..and to many many teachers out there its a dread to go back..up comes 6 weeks of teaching in preparation for mid year exam which either students will suddenly be focus or lose focus with every intention of giving up..then comes preparation for speech day with the rehearsals and scoldings, english week and many more to come..all within this 6 weeks..not forgetting cross country run..plus i have extra 2 assignments due and 1 test..i hope i will be able to cope with all the differest stress coming abroad..plus i must liase with the travel agent for the taiwan competition in july..with some ppl wanting to take the prestigious SQ flight it means will the price be reasonable?haha..

i hope i can cope or rather i should say i must cope..and the thought of it is making me sick..argh!anyway baked 2 apple tarts yesterday which lasted 5 hours..after that my back was so painful that it lasted throughout the night till this morning..results of the tart wasn't too bad i would say..luckily booie was there to help..dunno how to peel 13 apples so quickly..pictures will be revealed in the next post!

9:31 PM

     
went to watch nodame cantabile with a few of my colleagues yesterday..show wasn't too bad with the very weird fact that halfway while the real life ppl are doing something, there would be some anime effect added into it..yes it was quite funny but it made the show didn't look real at all..of course while watching the show i suddenly had to urge to play my piano again..its sitting in my room now untouched..its time to get it tuned and working again..however where do i have the time?as tchaikovsky, mozart and bach were played throughout the movie, i felt going back in time to nafa days where we had to watch so many concerts n lunch time concerts that we always fell asleep..n now going to a concert is like an incentive..hmm..despite the cartoonish situations in the show, i can't wait to watch the part 2 next month..smart of the producer to put it into 2 parts with a month's gap in between for a breather..the countries that were features were a wow factor too..from rome to paris..i want an aesthetics trip there!!haha..


anyway went back to sch today for choir..had missing kids as usual but not too bad..rushed here n there to meet various different ppl and upon seeing some fresh new looking desk that my colleague had cleaned up, i really wanted to clear my horrible desk..every little thing that was not used or will not be using was thrown into a big thrash bag..luckily i only needed one..n now i wonder did i throw away anything important?haha..the end result was not too bad..its clean with space to do some work and be productive and all ready for term 2..hmm..ya right..





8:49 PM

     
fri was suppose to be PTC in the afternoon..however i did not need to meet any parents as it got postpone ..despite feeling unwell and the urgency to see the doctor sets in, i went round to meet a vendor in the afternoon who showcase something really different that my slow brain took a while to process it..after the meeting, went back to the staffroom and had fruitful discussion about the upcoming speech day musical script and visual and performing arts week!the time really passed quickly and while painfully waiting for kee sing, soon it was 6 plus! n the surprising thing? i was really happy with all the discussions! if only this is wad i do everyday!! till that day comes!!

spent the weekend at home sleeping most of the time..something is still wrong with my stomach..the washing machine stomach of mine is still not stopping and causing me to have many trips to the toilet..however..ITS THE ONE WEEK HOLIDAY NEXT WEEK!!! or rather starting tmr and i'm intending to have a good week ahead!

10:42 PM

     
was told of a constant lack of updates..either my life is really boring or there is nothing significant..however this is the last week of term 1!!wad suppose to be a calm and peaceful week of no teaching turned into a week with 2 days mc which ended up of me sleeping most of the time at home due to the constant fever for that 2 days..n today the stomach flu started with constant heading to the toilet for almost the whole day despite eating so little..dinner could not be consumed at all which ended up having rice water for dinner..throughout the entire day..a questioned that was asked to me lingered in my mind the whole day.."what makes me happy"..its such a simple question yet it actually made me ponder for quite a while..interesting..my answer will be given through an interview tmr:)

9:32 PM